Chapter IX - The List

Plane trips have a very soothing affect on me. I love it because it is the closest I can get to floating on a cloud. Of course my real desire is to float in outer space, but that’s another quest entirely and one I do not realistically foresee in my immediate future. But the possibility of moving out of my home state and across the country was a real possibility and an exciting prospect.
Usually a half hour after reaching altitude and cruising speed I am fast asleep. Plane rides do that to me, but not this trip. I was wide awake and my mind was going warp speed with images of living in New Mexico. No more cold winters and piles of snow. No more March winds and April rain clouds that overshadow the whole city and leave a gloomy pallor before fulfilling the promise of spring days to come. No more depressing Novembers where the trees stand naked and sad without their leaves and flowers swaying in the summer breeze. And no more Jim! Okay, that’s a bit much. I would be missing the bright colors of spring, the weekend trips to the shore and the two weeks of the brilliant palate of fall colors covering the country sides, but there still would be no Jim.
I am not unaware that New Mexico is basically a desert with cactus, tumbleweeds and only small patches of green grass. And then there is the fact that there are few rivers and no lakes and no ocean view. But it also has magnificent sunsets of red and orange and a mountainous area where the sun and moon rise in a glorious fanfare. And it displays the night sky with more dazzle and sparkle then I could ever find in New Jersey. It could fill my dreams with renewed spirit and renewed self worth.
Of course there were other things to consider, Elizabeth and Jamie and the grandkids, my dearest and closest friends who had become my sisters in every way and my sister Chris whom I rarely got to see but whom had always been in my thoughts especially after Mummy had died. How would they perceive my plans? Would they think harshly of my wanting to escape and find adventure far away?
Technically, New Mexico was only 6 hours away but it would mean planned visits instead of just getting into my car and driving down the road. In New Mexico I would be pretty much on my own. Yes there was Uncle Ron but he was getting up in age and besides he and Barbara I knew absolutely no one else in the region. Okay, there’s a challenge! Could I get a job, buy a house, adjust to the changes physically, socially, economically and psychologically? Okay, that would be another challenge. Yet everything in my heart cried out that I wanted to try, that I had to try. I was being handed a rare opportunity to explore something different, something totally new and bold.
Reaching under my seat I took out my laptop and began to type. I needed to make a list of what, how when and where. I already had the why. By the time we reached Philadelphia I had an organizational plan. I knew what I needed to do and an idea of how to achieve it.
Phase one would be to tell everyone of my trip and to share my feelings of its impact. This would be the hardest step as I always had trouble expressing my feelings and ideas except when I wrote and that always felt like I was talking about a character in some fantastic work of fiction. This approach would cement my resolve and to get much needed input of just how crazy I was. It would also transform the dream into a reality and goal. Retrieving my bags, I moved toward the exit. Jamie was to pick me up and lucky for him he would be my first test with this crazy idea.
Fortunately Jamie was on time and helpful with the bags. I let him do the driving because even though I was still ‘pumped’ (I think the term is still accurate enough) I knew I would be crashing soon with the time change and jet lag. I first gave him a hug and a kiss and thanked him again for having fronted me for the trip. He considered it my birthday and Christmas present.
For a moment in this narrative I must pause and recall something I missed in the last chapter. I had spent my fifty seventh birthday New Mexico. Rhonda and I, whose birthday is also in November had been taken out by Uncle Ron and Barbara to a fine Italian restaurant in a section of town called Nob Hill. Though the city was way smaller than Philadelphia it still had many of the amenities including nice restaurants and quaint shops. Yes it was another check on the positive side of why I should move to Albuquerque. Another was that Albuquerque had one less letter in its name then Philadelphia, but it’s just as much fun to spell!
Getting back to the drive home I led off by describing some of the many things I saw and liked about the city as well as the many differences. Jamie listened and nodded, asked questions and seemed distantly interested. Children are liked that. It’s so hard sometimes sharing things between two generations these days but that’s the way it is sometimes. As we cruised across the Delaware and into New Jersey I finally popped the news. I told him of my interest and desire to move to New Mexico, sort of a pre- retirement move. He now perked up and seemed excited. He liked the idea and really thought it was cool. (Well ‘cool’ may have not been the real words he used. That’s more my generation.) Anyway he said I should definitely go for it. I knew he wasn’t just saying it for my benefit and that he was really pleased by my decision and my adventurism.
I began to outline the stages I was planning to reach my goal and he offered a number of suggestions, some I had considered already and a few details that would be important in the months ahead. He asked when I thought I would be able to achieve all of this which I had thought long and hard about on the trip home. It was now the beginning of November. My plan was to be able to move hopefully by September the following year, a change of season, a change of life so to speak. My biggest concern was if I could find a job out there. I would have to have one in place before I moved. My second consideration was being able to get our house solely into my hands so that I could sell it and have a ‘stake’. Getting a divorce would be a no brainer. Jim was already pushing me enough for one but I wanted to make sure I got it on my terms and by my rules. I just had to make sure I waited until after March of the following year. That way he could not dispute my claims for cause of desertion.
As we arrived home and I took my first look at the house since four days ago, I was surprised to realize I hadn’t really missed being here. With Jim gone I felt little attachment to it, a void. Thinking further I was ashamed of my feelings. How could I dismiss all the years we had lived here so easily? All I knew was that it made me sad to be here and I had to get away.
Upon entering, the dogs came running up to me as if excited to see me. I was surprised that they were at the house already. Jamie said that Jim had not taken them to his other place but had come by each day to walk and feed them. This was sad. What was he thinking? Was he trying to abandon them as well? This was unbelievable! I accepted his leaving me but these two I thought he would care more about. Thank goodness Jamie had been around for part of the days even though he worked and went to school at night. Tired as I was we took them for a walk and I tried to make since of the strange turning of events. It was like seeing the man I married turn into a stranger made of stone. Now I was more determined to move away, and I decided that somehow I would be taking the dogs with me if I had to. Unless Jim was willing to explain his lack of empathy by not having been with them while I was gone, he didn’t desire to keep them. It would be hard taking the two of them but it would be worse separating them.
Returning to the house, all I wanted to do was take a hot bath and fall into my own bed. After all I had to go back to work the next day. I noticed on the kitchen counter a stack of envelopes. Jamie had piled the mail neatly for me. As I went through it, I noticed an envelope with the name of a law firm on it. Opening it there was a letter and a check attached to it. It was from my late aunt’s attorney. The check was for $8,900.00! What the heck! I had been expecting half that much! I just stared at it and smiled. Whoo who!! Here was my second clue that I could change my future. I was going to be okay. I was going to make it. I was going to move to New Mexico and have the adventure of a lifetime!