Chapter III - Starting Over

The way I look at it you have three choices when dealing with a spouse who wants out.
Whine, plead, cry, curl up and feel sorry for yourself.
Get hateful, get nasty and seek revenge.
Get on with your life.

Whining isn’t really something I like to do, nor is feeling sorry for myself. Yes I did have a good cry that first night, but wouldn’t anybody in this situation? Emotions build up and you got to release the pressure. Crying is healthy and natural. Then you dry your eyes and get onto the next phase.
Getting hateful really isn’t my style. Sure I fantasized about it. I remembered a movie where an upset wife (that’s putting it mildly) took all of her husband’s clothes and personal things and loaded them up in his brand new sports car then filled it with gasoline and struck a match. You got to laugh at that one. It was perfect! Of course there’s the more primal approach of getting a shotgun and blasting him away, but that leaves a mess and besides it’s over in an instant and where’s the fun of making him suffer? No, I’m not into violence and the cost just wouldn’t be worth the trouble it brings.
There are things you can do to give you some psychological enjoyment and satisfaction without resorting to physical retribution.
Get an inflatable toy punching bag that they sell in toy stores and give it a whack every time you feel the need to hit something. You can even draw his picture on it so you have a target.
If you are a bowler, imagine him as the head pin. Bet your average would go up!
Take all of his clothes and donate them to Goodwill, anonymously of course.
Post a Wanted picture in all the Supermarkets where he might shop. It doesn’t have to say for what, just get him stares from the neighbors.

I’m sure there are endless ideas out there we could all dream up, many of them childish but satisfying. For me, I had help from a friend.
It was the start of April and the beginnings of spring. A week had passed since Jim’s departure and I was still trying to sort out things. Joy entered my office and set a neatly wrapped box on my desk. It was nowhere near my birthday or any other special occasion.
“I spent days looking for this in my house. It’s just the thing to cheer you up.” she said laughing deviously. Inside was a small dart board with a stand to sit on one’s desk and a set of four miniature darts. Perfect! Almost immediately I got an idea. On my desk were various pictures of Jim, the dogs, Jamie & Elizabeth and the grandkids. Taking one of Jim’s pictures from its frame, I scanned the image onto my computer then superimposed a set of concentric red circles to form a target over his face. Then I printed a copy and pasted it onto the dart board. We both took turns throwing darts at it and I even managed to hit a bull’s eye after some practice. It felt good and made me laugh. Just the psychological uplifting one means.

Joy also showed me a news article from her local paper that told of a conference being held the next day at the community ‘Y’ for those seeking legal information on divorcing. The timing of this was a strange coincidence and I knew I had to go even though it meant taking half a day off.
Generally I avoid these type of gatherings because I’m always uncomfortable in group settings. Always makes me feel like I’m going to some sort of therapy session where everyone has the same problems and are asked to share their experiences. I still wasn’t in the mood to share and I certainly took no comfort in the fact that I wasn’t the only one with my problem. If that sounds selfish it isn’t meant to. I just have strong feelings of empathy when I hear some sad story which is why I always avoided books and movies that involved sad endings. I would be a basket case and cry all night. And if it involved animals I was inconsolable. I remember when I took Elizabeth to see Bambi when she was little completely forgetting what happens halfway through the movie. Liz punched me in the arm when his mother was shot and I cried. It was a long time before we ever saw a Disney movie again!
I was surprised at the number of people at this conference but not surprised by the number of women. They outnumbered the male attendees five to one. What does that tell you? But it was worth my discomfort to attend as I picked up some valuable information. The speaker was not an actual attorney and emphasized that in her opening statement saying we would best be served by seeing an attorney for further answers to our questions. There are a lot of lawyers who are willing to consult with you for the first time free. This way you can present your issue and they can tell you up front what would be involved if you should retain their services including fees.
Up to this point I hadn’t considered exactly the course I wanted to take. We didn’t have a lot of liquid assets between the two of us; the children weren’t an issue since they were grown and on their own and quite frankly I didn’t see any point in paying some one else for what should be an easy and direct end to the marriage. But I did want to make sure I got a far deal, as you hear of so many sorted and nightmarish results to leaving one’s spouse. I certainly didn’t want to end up with nothing.
The first interesting fact I learned was the various types of divorce. In my case my best option was to get him for desertion. It had been his decision to walk out of the marriage. All I had to do was wait one year, make sure I gave him free access to return to the house whenever he wanted, which meant not changing the locks on the doors and to officially put on record that he had left the marriage, not me.
The second noteworthy point I learned was that since we had been married for as long as we had (33 years up to now) I was entitled to claim half his pension as long as I did not put in writing that I would not claim it. Of course this meant that he was entitled to half of mine also, but since for all practical purposes, I didn’t really have much of anything invested (no thanks to him!) I didn’t see that as a possible issue.
The third point was that if there were no real dispute between the parties involved, we could file for divorce through some legal aid group who for a modest fee ($500) would draw up the papers to be presented to the court rather than both of us hiring lawyers. There would also be a court fee for processing, but in all it was a heck of a lot cheaper than going the other route. This had been my biggest concern since neither of us really could afford much else.
I left the meeting with plenty of notes and a list of things to. At least now I had a direction and rudimentary plans for the immediate future. My next course would be to sit down with Jim and discuss some of what I learned as it would be important not to try and hold back anything if this was going to work without a feud. For the most part, Jim was in agreement about how to proceed, but there were two things that gave me pause. One was that he didn’t want to wait a year. Why couldn’t I just tell the judge we had been separated for a year and be done with it. Alarms went off in my head. No way was I going to agree to that! What was his rush? I told him up front that if we were going to do this, we would do it right! He wasn’t getting out of his financial obligations with the house and other bills until I was certain everything was up to date and until I was certain I could handle being on my own. He tried to reassure me that he “would make certain I was taken care of.” and that he wouldn’t leave me stranded. As to his half of the bills, he was going to give me $300.00 a month until the divorce and to show his sincerity he told me to give him a deposit slip and that he would pay the mortgage this month. “Send the payment now and I will deposit the money this Thursday.” That seemed agreeable. Besides I wanted to start paying the bills in my name alone to start establishing a history of payments on my own. I gave him the deposit slip to my checking account and he again promised to deposit the money by noon in two days.
That Thursday, I came home as usual to a house of excited pets, and silence. Jim had already given the dogs their run and fed them, but had left before I arrived as he was now in the habit of doing. On the kitchen counter was the receipt for the deposit he had promised to make. For a moment it seemed all was well until I looked closely at the amount deposited. Our mortgage payment was over five hundred and fifty dollars. I had already written and mailed checks for some of the other bills that month which left me with just enough for food and gas money until next pay. Jim’s deposit was for less than half of what was needed to clear the mortgage payment check I had written and mailed.
I was dumbfounded! This couldn’t be happening! And yet it couldn’t possibly be a mistake. He had to have known he wasn’t going to deposit the full amount. I had just been gas lighted! How could I have been so gullible? Why was he doing this to me? What possible explanation could there be for this deceit? This was serious. I would be ruined if that check bounced. He had to have known that. Could he really have become so mean and uncaring as to do this on purpose? It was as if some evil force had taken possession of the man I married and loved all these years.
But I don’t believe in fairy tales and with this latest act I was finally waking up to what and who I was dealing with. Seeking revenge as I said before isn’t really my style, but I do believe that what comes around, goes around. It was now time to stop being naïve and polite. Jim had showed what he was capable of. It was time I showed him what I was capable of too.